


A Mother's Worst Day

by Anxiouslykitty



Series: A Mother's Fight [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Mother's Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:49:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27259729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anxiouslykitty/pseuds/Anxiouslykitty
Summary: Kathryn's mother learns the Voyager is gone...
Series: A Mother's Fight [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1990348
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

Gretchen sat down in front of the terminal in her husband's old office. She had just come in from the garden and was tired and ready for a shower. A long time ago she had learned that when you have a loved one in Starfleet, especially one deployed, you had to control your expectations. Only once a day would she come and check the terminal to see if she had a message from Kathryn. It had been almost three weeks since she had heard from Kathryn. It was starting to make Gretchen nervous because it was only supposed to be a two week mission to begin with. 

As Gretchen turned on the terminal notifications began popping up. There was a message from her sister, a few newsletters from organizations she was involved in, and a message from Kathryn's fiance Mark. She pressed play on the message from Mark first. 

"Hi Gretchen, I was just wondering if you have heard from Katie. I know you'll tell me that Starfleet spouses have to be patient, but I haven’t heard from her since they left and it's already a week longer than they were meant to be gone. Anyway let me know if you hear from her" Mark said and the message ended. 

Gretchen sat back in her chair and took a deep breath. The fear and doubt began to wash over her and she closed her eyes. Slowly she took steady breaths pushing the thought out of her mind that something bad had happened to Kathryn. Yes it was strange for Kathryn to not at least contact Mark, but it didn’t mean anything. Maybe Starfleet put their ship on communications blackout. Maybe Kathryn is wrapped up in her mission because it’s taking longer than expected. She knew there were a lot of reasons that she hadn’t heard from Kathryn. She was not going to let the dark thoughts take over.

Quickly Gretchen opened her eyes and shut the terminal off. She didn’t want to think anymore about it tonight. She decided a shower would help her get her mind back in the right place. Years of waiting for her husband to send messages or call had prepared her for this. As much as it had been difficult she had gotten through it. Unfortunately it was different when it was your child not responding. Losing her husband was the hardest thing she ever had to survive, but she wasn’t sure she would survive losing a child.

The rest of the evening crept by slowly. Everything she did took extra effort and focus. She did everything she could not to think about Kathryn and where she was and what she was doing. By the time she went to bed she was twice as tired as she was on a normal day. It took several hours of meditation and relaxation breathing to finally fall asleep. Even in sleep though the thoughts of horrible things happening to Kathryn crept in. When the sun finally came back up signalling a new day she had only slept off and on.

Gertchen was exhausted as she pulled on her robe and tied her hair up in a knot on the top of her head. She walked downstairs to the kitchen and turned on the kettle. Not the coffee drinker her daughter was, she pulled a cup from the cabinet and placed a tea bag in it. She leaned lazily against the counter while she waited for her water to heat up. She rubbed her temples slowly hoping to relieve some of the pressure that the lack of sleep had brought. The kettle began to whistle and she removed it pouring the boiling water into the waiting cup. As she placed the kettle back on the stove she heard the doorbell ring.

Looking at the clock she was surprised to see that it was only seven thirty. Not many people came to visit her unexpectedly and almost none this early in the morning. She left her tea on the counter and tightened her robe as she walked to the door. She was ready to grumble at whoever was on the other side of the door for coming too early when she pulled the door open. Admiral Owen Paris stood on the other side of the door with his arms crossed tightly behind his back.

In an instant her heart dropped into her stomach and she felt a lump form in her throat. She felt light headed and fuzzy. Everything seemed to become muffled in her ears. There were only a few reasons that Owen would show up at her house unannounced and none of them were good. It took everything she had to stay standing and breathe slowly. She crossed her arms across her chest and waited for Owen to say something.

“Gretchen” Owen began.

Gretchen shook her head. She’d known Owen for years. She had met him with her husband at some Admiral’s dinner many years before and then again when Kathryn had served under him. They had never really been close, but he was close with her late husband and with Kathryn. If he was here it was out of obligation to them. She didn’t want to hear what he had to say, but she was glad it was him and not some Ensign sent on the worst mission ever.

Owen stiffened his stance and looked Gretchen in the eyes.

“Gretchen, two weeks ago the USS Voyager went missing in the Badlands. The ship and it’s crew have not been heard from since. We are still looking, but signs are pointing to the ship having been destroyed” Owen announced professionally.

There was ringing in her ears. It was growing louder and louder and Gretchen felt nauseous. Kathryn was missing, her whole ship disappeared. Gretchen couldn’t feel her body anymore. She thought she was still standing, but she couldn’t feel herself. Everything felt empty and distant. She tried to focus on Owen’s face, but everything swam in her vision. She could make Owen out in the blur of colors and shapes coming closer to her. She tried to step away and then everything was slipping and her vision went black.

When she opened her eyes Owen’s face was in front of her. She could feel that she was on the ground, but not completely. She could feel Owen’s arms around her and his thighs under her back. She tried to piece together what happened and she shuddered as the memories of what Owen had told her came back. Kathryn was missing and she had fainted.

“Gretchen,” Owen said calmly.

Owen brushed some of her hair out of her face and Gretchen blinked at him blankly. She tried to sit up and Owen kept his grip on her shoulders keeping her lying in his lap. She let him keep her lying there. She couldn’t remember the last time a man had touched her. She could only ever remember hugging Owen in passing when he had come for dinner and now she was in his arms. Surprisingly she was glad that it was Owen who had come and not some random Starfleet officer. If someone had to see her in this state she would rather it be him.

“Take it easy,” Owen instructed.

“I want to sit up,” Gretchen said quietly.

Owen helped her sit up and helped her shift so that she was leaning against the wall. He knelt in front of her and looked at her, his eyes full of emotion. Gretchen took a few deep breaths trying to decipher what she was feeling and thinking. So many questions were flying through her mind. 

“Are you sure they’re gone” Getchen choked out.

Gretchen’s eyes filled with tears but she didn’t let them fall. As she looked at Owen she saw that he too had tears in his eyes. She knew he cared for Kathryn, but she didn’t think they were close enough to warrant his tears. Why was Owen as upset as she was about this?

“We aren’t giving up yet” Owen began. “But ships don’t just disappear without a trace.”

They weren’t giving up hope, that was a good sign. That meant that Voyager was still considered missing and not lost. Starfleet would continue to search for the ship until they declared it lost. That meant that there was a chance that Kathryn was still out there somewhere. It was a small chance, but still a chance.

“You’re crying” Gretchen said confused.

Owen wiped the tears that had escaped his eyes from his face. He looked away slightly embarrassed at having lost control of his emotions in front of Gretchen.

“My son Tom was on the Voyager with Kathryn” Owen said plainly.

It made sense to Gretchen now why Owen had come himself. He wasn’t just there out of respect to Edward, but in hopes of giving support to Gretchen because he understood what she was going though. She reached out and hand and took one of Owen’s hands in hers. 

“They’ll find them,” Gretchen stated. “Kathryn will keep them safe and Starfleet will find them. They can’t be dead.”

Owen let his eyes glance away from her and she could see he doubted her words. In all honesty she doubted her own words. She knew she had to think about the small possibility that Kathryn was alive out there somewhere because if she didn’t she wasn’t sure how to keep going. With another deep and steadying breath she began to pull herself to her feet. Owen grabbed her elbow to assist her in standing and to steady her.

“Can I make you tea” Gretchen offered.

Owen nodded his affirmation and followed Gretchen into the kitchen. She busied herself about the kitchen preparing the tea while Owen stood awkwardly to the side. Her hand shook as she filled the kettle back up with water and she tried to calm herself.

“I forgot you don’t have a replicator,” Owen commented.

Gretchen turned and flashed him a small smile. It was odd for people who lived primarily in the cities to come to a traditionalist household. She didn’t have many of the technologies that most people were accustomed to and she was okay with it.

“You’d be amazed what I am able to do without many of the technologies you’re probably used to” Gretchen quipped lightly.

When the water was heated she brought the tea service to the table and offered a seat to Owen. They sat in silence for a while pouring their tea. Gretchen was glad of the company, but her mind was still wandering; she didn’t know what would happen when she was alone again.

“I know it’s not how things are supposed to work, but will you keep me involved in the search for Voyager” Gretchen asked.

“I can do my best,” Owen replied quietly.

“Owen, please I need to know everything that Starfleet is doing to get her back. I need something to hold onto” Gretchen explained.

“Would you like it if I came back to visit” Owen began. “I could come maybe once a week for tea and fill you in on anything I know about the search for Voyager.”

She hadn’t thought he would give her that much. She thought maybe a message every once in a while with whatever information he didn’t deem too classified to tell her, but this was more than she could ask for. She wondered why he would want to spend so much time with her instead of seeking comfort with his family. From what she remembered of his family situation though she didn’t think he had a great relationship with his wife or children. She couldn’t help but think that maybe Tom disappearing with Voyager has woken Owen up to everything he had given away so easily. She was happy to accommodate Owen’s search for support if it meant she got information about Voyager.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gretchen gets to find out if it's worse to hear bad news or be the one who gives it...

After Owen left, Gretchen slid down the door and sat on the floor. Her body felt weak and tired as she leaned against the solid wood of the door. She didn't feel like crying anymore. Now all she felt was a heavy weight against her chest. It felt like someone had smothered her in a wet blanket. All she wanted to do was lay there until all of the pain went away. 

Gretchen didn't know how long she spent sitting on the floor, but when she finally came back to herself she was stiff. Stiffly Gretchen got on her hands and knees and pulled herself off the ground. She swayed a little once upright, but found her bearings relatively easily. She slowly made her way to the office and slid into the chair. She had to call Phoebe to tell her about Kathryn. It was the last thing she wanted to do, but she had to carry on. 

As she waited for the computer to connect a call to Phoebe Gretchen wiped her eyes hoping she didn’t look as horrible as she felt. She wanted to convince Phoebe that things were okay in order to get her to come over instead of having to tell her about Kathryn over the call. Suddenly Phoebe’s face appeared on the screen smiling and laughing at someone else in the room. Gretchen felt her heart clench at the happiness of her younger daughter.

“Mom, what’s up” Phoebe giggled.

“I was just calling because I’d like you to come over today” Gretchen replied calmly.

“I'm busy today Mom” Phebe wined. “I’ll come over next week.”

Gretchen took a deep breath and swallowed the lump that was forming in her throat. Why, for once in her life, could Phoebe not just be easy? Why today did she have to fight her?

“Phoebe, come over today please” Grethen said sternly.

The smile fell from Phoebe’s face. She turned her full attention to the screen. Gretchen could see that Phoebe knew something was wrong.

“Mom, what’s wrong” Phoebe asked.

“Phoebe just do as I ask for once and come over today please” Gretchen pleaded.

“I’ll come now” Phoebe said before disconnecting the call. 

Gretchen leaned back in the chair and covered her face with her hands. She felt sick to her stomach. Phoebe was a wild child. You never really knew how she was going to react to anything. Telling her that Kathryn was missing and possibly dead could go so many ways. Would she take it in her overly optimistic way or would she dive deep into the depression that so often took Kathryn? She couldn’t lose two children in one day. Phoebe had always blamed Gretchen for not talking Kathryn out of joining Starfleet in the first place. She had said what was the point of having a sister if she was always too far away to help. 

It would take Phoebe an hour to get from her house to Gretchen’s. That was if she was at home and not off somewhere else. Gretchen hadn't taken notice of Phoebe’s surroundings when they were talking. That was unusual for her as she prided herself on being an observant person, but now she couldn’t seem to think straight at all. She was still in her nightgown so she knew she at least needed to change her clothes before Phoebe showed up. 

Nothing in Gretchen’s closet felt appropriate to wear. Some items reminded her of Kathryn because they had been given to her for birthdays or Christmas’. Other items felt too bright and cheerful and she couldn’t bear to put them on. Finally she was able to pick out a plain navy dress that flowed around her and her favorite cardigan. She pulled it tight around her body and took solace in the normality of its feeling.

The sound of the front door shutting down stairs startled Gretchen. Certainly she couldn’t have spent a whole hour trying to get dressed. She glanced at the clock to see it was shortly after noon, but it didn’t mean anything to her because she realized she had never bothered to look at the time when she had called Phoebe. She started to leave her bedroom when she heard Phoebe calling out for her frantically.

“I’m coming, Phoebe” Gretchen called down the stairs.

As she came down the stairs Phoebe rounded the corner and almost ran into her. Phoebe looked like she had run all the way to Gretchden’s house. Her face was flushed and her hair was a mess. Though in all honesty Phoebe’s hair was frequent;y a mess. Gretchen reached out a hand and placed it gently on Phoebe’s arm to slow her down.

“Mom, what’s wrong” Phoebe demanded.

Gretchen knew that there was no putting this off. She was going to have to tell Phoebe about Kathryn now, because there was no way Phoebe would let her push it off. She wrapped her arm around Phoebe’s waist and guided her into the living room. She sat down on the couch and pulled Phoebe with her. Phoebe was tense, but once they were on the couch she reverted to old habits and curled against her mother resting her head on Gretchen’s shoulder.

“Phoebe, I have to tell you something, but I want you to try and be calm,” Gretchen instructed.

Phoebe nodded her head against Gretchen’s shoulder, but said nothing. Gretchen took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in her throat.

“Kathryn’s ship, Voyager, disappeared two weeks ago and Starfleet believes that the ship was destroyed. They believe all hands have been lost. They’re still searching, but the general belief is that everyone aboard is dead” Gretchen explained as fast as possible.

The hand Phoebe had on Gretchen’s stomach gripped the fabric of her dress tightly. Gretchen could feel Phoebe hold her breath and her body tremble with the effort not to cry. Gretchen freed her arm and wrapped it around Phoebe’s shoulder in an effort to comfort her. Suddenly Phoebe jumped up from the couch. She turned on Gretchen and Gretchen could see the hurt and anger on Phoebe’s face.

“You pushed her out there into the stars and now she’s dead” Phoebe screamed.

“She’s not dead. Starfleet said....” Gretchen began.

“Screw Starfleet” Phoebe cursed. 

Phoebe covered her mouth with her hand as her eyes filled with tears. Gretchen tried to reach out for her and Phoebe ran for the door and flung it open. She was out the door and across the lawn before Gretchen could stop her. She ran to the door and could see Phoebe running across the field towards the pond. She screamed Phoebe’s names a couple of times, but the girl didn’t stop. Gretchen sat on the porch steps and leaned against the railing. She put her head in her hands and rested them on her knees. It was too much. She wanted this day to be over.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mother's job never ends...

Two hours had passed and Phoebe still hadn't come back. Gretchen knew she hadn't gone home because her vehicle was still parked in the driveway, but she didn't know where she was. She had planned on giving Phoebe space, but that was when she thought she would come back sooner than this. There were only a few places that Phoebe could have run to and Gretchen was pretty sure she knew where she was. 

Gretchen put on her boots and coat and grabbed a blanket before heading out the door. She knew Phoebe hadn’t had a coat on and it was chilly outside. She walked the path across the field that Phoebe had run earlier. She was slow moving. The weight of the day and the hours of sitting on the ground had taken their toll. As she headed for the pond she couldn't help but think of the times when the girls were little and she had come down here looking for them when they hadn't shown up for dinner. They were thick as thieves hiding out playing games and talking about boys. 

Slowly she rounded the pond to the area where a few large boulders created a little cave like area. When the girls were little they called it their fort and would sit and play inside the small gap created by the rocks. It was just big enough for both girls to sit in there until Kathryn was about twelve. After that it became less a play area and more a place each of them went when they were sad or angry and needed to be alone. She had been down here a number of times before to comfort one of her daughters who was heartbroken. When their father had died Kathryn had shut herself in her room, but Phoebe had come down here to the cave. She wouldn’t leave even when Gretchen’s sister tried to get her to come inside. Gretchen had come down and they had sat outside the cave together for hours until Phoebe finally came back inside with her. 

As she got around the side of the boulders she could see Phoebe's feet sticking out. She approached slowly hoping she wouldn't try to run away again. The sight of her youngest daughter curled on her side lying in the dirt pulled at Gretchen's heart. It was like when Edward died all over again. Phoebe's eyes were closed and by the slowness of her breathing Gretchen assumed she was asleep. There were tracks down her cheeks from the tears she had cried and dirt on her hands and knees from where she must have fallen. Gretchen slowly knelt down as close as she could get to Phoebe. As she couldn't fit into the little cave she was stuck down by Phoebe's knees. Part of her wanted to let Phoebe sleep away the pain. She wished she could sleep away the heartache she was feeling. However, she couldn’t let Phoebe stay there because it was too cold and they needed to face this news together.

Gently she rubbed Phoebe's leg and she began to stir. Phoebe opened her eyes and looked at Gretchen. Gretchen could see the pain and loss in Phoebe's eyes. She knew that Phoebe could see the same thing in Gretchen’s eyes. Gretchen opened her arms up to Phoebe who slowly crawled out of the small cave and into Gretchen's arms. They wrapped each other in a tight embrace both trying to hold on to the only thing they had left. Gretchen finally let the tears fall that she had held back all day. She could feel them rolling off her cheeks onto Phoebe just as she could feel Phoebe's tears rolling down her neck where Phoebe's face was buried. She thought it would feel worse to cry, but it actually felt good. Like some of the pressure was being lifted from her chest.

They stayed in each other's arms until Gretchen could feel Phoebe shaking. She broke their hug and pulled the blanket from her lap and wrapped it snugly around Phoebe's shoulders. Gretchen couldn't help but think how young Phoebe looked all tear stained and covered in dirt. She was well into her thirties yet to Gretchen right now she could be a teenager again. She wiped the tear stains from Phoebe’s face with her hands. She would take all the hurt from her if she could, but she knew from experience this was something her daughter had to face herself.

"I never wanted Kathryn to join Starfleet," Gretchen said, breaking the silence. 

Phoebe looked at her and furrowed her brows. Gretchen knew that Phoebe had always blamed her for Kathryn joining Starfleet. When Kathryn had wanted to join Starfleet it was in honor of her father and because of her love for science. It wouldn’t have mattered what Gretchen had said, Kathryn was going to join. Gretchen had let Phoebe blame her in an effort to save Phoebe and Kathryn’s relationship, and it had worked. 

"Yes you did" Phoebe scoffed. "She came home talking about joining Starfleet and making Daddy proud and you told her to do it. You were so happy for her when she left for the Academy."

“I never…” Gretchen started.

“Don’t lie to me just because you think I don't remember” Phoebe scolded.

Gretchen took a deep breath and ran her hand through her hair. Both her girls had strong wills, but Phoebe had a natural ability to strike through a person’s armor and hit their heart. Gretchen hated thinking that Phoebe thought that she would lie to her. The one thing Gretchen never did to her girls was lie to them.

“Don’t interrupt me,” Gretchen warned.

“But…” Phoebe started, but Gretchen held up a hand and Phoebe stopped.

"When Kathryn said she wanted to join Starfleet I didn't fight her," Gretchen explained. "It wasn't because I wanted her to go. It was because I knew she would do it anyway and this way she would keep me involved. Although I never let her or you see it I was never happy she joined Starfleet. I cried myself to sleep when she left for the Academy and I didn't sleep for weeks when she went on her first deep space mission. I knew this could happen Phoebe, I never wanted this. I feel like my heart has been shattered. I never..."

Gretchen took shuddering breaths trying to keep her tears from flowing again. She never wanted her daughters to see her in pain. She had spent their whole lives hiding her emotions from them. Now she wasn't sure it was the correct decision. She had let Phoebe treat her like the bad guy for years and that wasn't fair to her. 

"Mama…" Phoebe sobbed. 

Gretchen pulled Phoebe to her chest and held her as tight as she could. Phoebe cried into Gretchen's chest clinging to the blanket around her. Gretchen slowly rubbed one hand on Phoebe's back whispering calming words in her ear. It felt good to be able to still comfort one of her girls. It made her feel like just maybe they would make it through this. Together they could survive this. Even if Kathryn was dead, and she refused to believe it yet, they might be able to live through this. Gretchen placed a kiss on the top of Phoebe’s head and let herself cry.


End file.
